Blip?

Last night I relapsed-bad. I read messages between my partner, my father and their mutual friend whilst sat in the extension of my in-laws house. Last time I did this was on my birthday and blocked out Han for an entire week. That’s why I thought we had got past all the private chats because it didn’t end well last time I looked at her phone. Apparently not, they are continuing to talk in secret, and even wrote a letter and sent it to my perpetrator. So imagine my shock when reading the chat and then the letter. Imagine the sinking feeling I experienced sat there alone whilst my girlfriend was upstairs mucking about with her sister and friends. I put Han’s phone down grabbed mine from the kitchen and walked out of the house without saying a word to anyone. I walked across the dual carriage way and down a side street without a coat- my face lathered by tears and the cold fog concealing me as I walked away from the house. I tried to call my friend Meghan but she didn’t answer so I was going to walk to the hospital- to A&E to chat with the mental health team there.

Before I had read the messages, I was still feeling extremely detached from a flashback. So when I saw the citrus knife on the kitchen side, I took it into the bathroom and cut my legs and my left arm. When I had read the messages it made sense as to why some of my family were icy towards me…did he tell them? do they not know what to say to me? do they not believe me?  I was just sick of it all…..it would be better if I wasn’t born at all. My parents are two toxic individuals who are not natural parents, one buries their head in the sand and cries about it afterward and the other suffocates you to encourage you to forget and move on.